IN THIS HOLIDAY ISSUE, I WANTED TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT HOW HOLIDAYS AFFECT VETERANS. I CALLED SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO COUNSEL VETERANS, AND ASKED THEM FOR ARTICLES WRITTEN ON THE SUBJECT. TO MY SUPRISE, THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY.
SO, I SENT OUT OVER 30 LETTERS TO VETS I KNOW ASKING THEM THE QUESTION, IF CHRISTMAS AND OTHER HOLIDAYS WERE AN ENJOYABLE TIME DURING THE FIRST 20 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE ... THEN YOU WENT TO WAR, WWII, KOREA, OR VIETNAM... A TIME WHEN THE HOLIDAYS WERE "NO BIG DEAL, JUST ANOTHER DAY"...WHY DO VETS CARRY THAT TIME PERIOD IN THEIR MINDS, WHY DIDN'T THEY GO BACK TO THE FIRST 20 YEARS OF HAVING FUN DURING THE HOLIDAYS?
OR, WHAT EFFECTS YOU ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS AND WHY?
I RECEIVED 3 REPLIES IN WRITING, AN INTERVIEW WITH 2 FRIENDS, 2 PHONE INTERVIEWS, AND 1 RELAYED MESSAGE THROUGH MY HUSBAND.
I FELT DISCOURAGED, BUT I ALSO REALIZED, IF THEY DIDN'T ANSWER, EITHER THE HOLIDAYS ARE HAPPY TIMES FOR THEM, SO THE QUESTION MADE NO SENSE TO ANSWER ... THE HOLIDAYS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING, SO THEY HAVE NO ANSWER ... OR IT WAS TOO PAINFUL A QUESTION FOR THEM TO WRITE ABOUT.
IN THE INTERVIEW WITH THE 2 FRIENDS, I WAS TOLD THE HOLIDAYS MEANT NOTHING. "IT'S NO BIG DEAL - IN NAM IT WAS JUST ANOTHER DAY... IN THE STATES 25 YEARS LATTER THEY ARE STILL NO BIG DEAL - JUST ANOTHER DAY."
ONE PHONE INTERVIEW WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS. "THANKSGIVING IS A MORE IMPORTANT HOLIDAY. IT'S A TIME TO BRING THE FAMILY TOGETHER WITHOUT THE HYPE OF CHRISTMAS, IT'S NOT SO PRESSURED AND NOT SO COMMERCIALIZED."
"I BELIEVE VETS SHY AWAY FROM THINGS THAT ARE SIMILAR IN ANY WAY, SO THEY LOOSE THE MEANING BECAUSE AT HOLIDAYS THE FEAR OF GETTING CLOSE TO FAMILY CAUSES A RED FLAG TO GO UP, SO THEY SHY AWAY."
THE RELAYED MESSAGE THROUGH MY HUSBAND WAS MADE UP OF 4 MEANINGS:
1) PHYSIOLOGIAL - SMELLS, THINGS COOKING - BODIES BURNING. SOUNDS KIDS NOISES, KIDS FROM NAM.
2) CONTRADICTORY - THERE WAS A CHRISTMAS TREE IN NAM... I WANTED TO SMASH IT, PEACE ON EARTH AND WE WERE BLOWING PEOPLE AWAY. NOW IT'S A DAY OF FORGIVENESS.
3) SURVIVOR GUILT - SOMEONE GOT KILLED AND YOU'RE STILL ALIVE FOR THE HOLIDAY. IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A CEASE FIRE, YET PEOPLE WERE GETTING KILLED.
4) TRUST - GOT DRUNK THEN TO BURY THE FEELINGS AND VETS STILL GET DRUNK TODAY TO BURY THEIR FEELINGS. THEY ARE ALSO AFRAID TO GET CLOSE. AND HOLIDAYS MEAN CLOSENESS WITH THE FAMILY.
ONE VET WROTE, "I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE QUESTION CONCERNING THE HOLIDAYS, PRE VIETNAM AND POST VIETNAM. VIETNAM ITSELF DOESN'T AFFECT THE HOLIDAYS FOR ME. I LOST NO ONE IN NAM OVER THE HOLIDAYS. IT WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME I WAS AWAY DURING THE HOLIDAYS, AS I HAD SPENT THE YEAR BEFORE AT BOOT CAMP. I SPENT THE HOLIDAY WITH A FAMILY IN MICHIGAN, LEAVING ONLY GOOD MEMORIES OF THAT YEAR."
I DIDN'T "LOSE" THE HOLIDAYS IN NAM, I BELIEVE WHAT I LOST WAS THE MEANING, THE SPIRITUALITY OR FAITH CONNECTED TO THE HOLIDAY, ESPECIALLY CHRISTMAS, BUT NOT ONLY THE HOLIDAYS, THE REST OF MY LIFE IS MISSING SOMETHING.
THROUGH THE YEARS I'VE NEVER FELT MY OWN FEELINGS, ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSES, BUT NOW I CHOOSE TO FEEL MY OWN FEELINGS. I'LL ENJOY MYSELF AND ACCEPT THINGS THE WAY THEY ARE."
ONE VET I SPOKE WITH SAID, "IT CAN BE SUMMED UP IN TWO WORDS, HOLIDAYS SUCK."
ANOTHER WROTE; DEAR WIFE LINE,
I AM A 47 YEAR OLD 100% PTSD VET. I DID TWO TOURS WITH THE 101ST AIRBORN DIVISION, AUGUST 68 - MARCH 70.
SPEAKING OR THINKING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS IN COUNTRY DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING. DECEMBER 25, 1969 WE WERE IN A FIRE FIGHT WITH THE N.V.A. DURING THE HOLIDAY CEASE FIRE AGREEMENT. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MADE MY HOLIDAYS FEEL BAD TO ME. I DON'T FEEL IT HELPED, HOWEVER, HOLIDAYS CAN STILL BE WHAT WE MAKE THEM.
AND THE 3RD VET THAT WROTE TO ME WROTE, THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WHICH I'LL CONSIDER AS THE TIME FRAME FROM THANKSGIVING THROUGH NEW YEARS HAS HAD VARIOUS EFFECTS ON MY PSYCHE OVER THE YEARS. WHAT'S CHANGED HAS BEEN MY PERCEPTION OF WHAT THE HOLIDAYS ARE ALL ABOUT.
AS A YOUTH, PRE-MILITARY, THE SEASON WAS MADE ENJOYABLE FOR ME THROUGH THE EFFORTS OF MY ELDERS ... MOTHER, FATHER, AUNTS, UNCLES, ETC. I WAS A RECEIVER, AND BASICALLY, ALL I HAD TO DO WAS BE.
IN THE MILITARY THERE WERE SOME CHANGES. NO LONGER WAS MY FAMILY NEARBY, THUS I HAD TO LEARN THE VALUE OF FRIENDSHIP. OF COURSE I ALWAYS HAD THE OPTION OF ISOLATION AND LONELINESS. IT WAS HERE THAT I LEARNED THE LESSONS ON HOW TO BE A GIVER AS WELL AS A RECEIVER. IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE MILITARY AND IT'S EXPERIENCES OF LIFE AND DEATH, THE RE-ASSIMILATION INTO MY FAMILY WAS DIFFICULT. THINGS THAT MATTERED TO THEM WERE NOT SO IMPORTANT TO ME. THE BICKERING AND IN-FIGHTING FOR STATUS ALWAYS BOTHERED ME, AND AS IT WASN'T IMPORTANT, IT WAS EASIER TO WITHDRAW AND PRETEND THAT IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
FOR MANY YEARS THE HOLIDAYS WERE A TIME OF INCREASED ANXIETY AND STRESS AS I FELT THAT THE REAL SIGNIFICANCE OF THE HOLIDAY HAD LONG SINCE DISAPPEARED TO THE DEMANDS OF THE MERCHANTS, AND I FELT NO NEED TO SUCCUMB TO THE MERCHANT'S WHIMS. OF COURSE MY MOOD PERMEATED THROUGH MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY AND INCREASED EVERYONE'S STRESS.
SEVERAL YEARS AGO I CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT MOST OF MY PROBLEMS ASSOCIATED WITH THE HOLIDAYS WERE RELATED TO THE IDEA THAT I HAD ALWAYS BEEN EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE, LIKE MY WIFE, TO MAKE THIS TIME AN ENJOYABLE TIME FOR ALL, ME INCLUDED. I WITHHELD MY PARTICIPATION, BUT REACTED ANGRILY IF THINGS WENT AWRY. I RECOGNIZED THE NEED FOR ME TO CHANGE.
SOMETIMES I DID NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING, SOMETIMES I JUST WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE TO WITHDRAW INTO MY OWN SAFE LITTLE WORLD OF NOTHINGNESS WHERE NOTHING COULD MAKE ME HAPPY, BUT THEN AGAIN NOTHING COULD HARM ME NEITHER. BUT I RECOGNIZED THAT MY EMOTIONS WERE MINE, AND I REFUSED TO CONTINUE TO LET OTHERS DICTATE TO ME HOW TO USE THEM.
SINCE THEN, MY EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME, THAT WHETHER OR NOT I PERSONALLY FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING, IT'S OFTEN WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE A PARTICIPANT, OR A LEADER. I'VE OBSERVED THE CHANGES IN MY WIFE'S STRESS LEVEL AND SEEN AN INCREASE IN MY SONIS PARTICIPATION IN OUR OLD FAMILY TRADITIONS. SURE, IT'D BE NICE IF THE HOLIDAYS WERE ALWAYS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF A 5 YEAR OLD - MYSTERIOUS, EXCITING, ETC. BUT LIFE MOVES ON AND 5 YEAR OLDS BECOME 50. HOWEVER THE EMOTIONS WITHIN REMAIN THE SAME, JUST THE PERCEPTION OF EVENTS,CHANGES.
IT SEEMS TO ME, AS I REREAD WHAT I WROTE, THAT IT WOULD BE AN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TASK FOR A WIFE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO HAVE MUCH AFFECT ON WHAT THEIR HUSBAND OR OTHER CHOOSES TO DO WITH THEIR MOOD SWINGS. THEIR EMOTIONS ARE THEIR OWN AND IF THEY CHOOSE TO KEEP THEM LOCKED UP IT'S DIFFICULT TO FIND THE RIGHT KEY. ESPECIALLY SINCE ITS APPARENT THAT THE VET HAS SWALLOWED THE KEY AND KEEPS IT SAFELY INSIDE HIM. BUT UNDERSTANDING THAT THE GOAL IS TO ENHANCE TOGETHERNESS AND TO RELEASE SOME PENT UP EMOTIONS, OTHER THAN ANGER. I SPECULATE THAT A GOOD PLACE TO START WOULD BE A RETURN TO ANY OLD FAMILY TRADITIONS AND IF NONE EXISTED, START SOME NEW ONES. COMMUNICATION IN POSITIVE TONES WILL ENHANCE THE PROCESS AND WHO KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT EMOTIONS WILL BE RELEASED ONCE SOMEONE IS PLACED IN MOTION. IT'S ALWAYS EASIER TO KEEP AN AUTOMOBILE MOVING IF IT'S RUNNING UNDER ITS OWN POWER.
SO, THAT'S WHAT I GOT FROM THE VETS!
MY PURPOSE OF THE QUESTION WAS TO HELP WIVES AND FAMILIES UNDERSTAND VETERANS DURING THE HOLIDAYS ... I HOPE IT HELPS!
THANKS TO ALL THE VETS WHO DID ANSWER, AND TO ALL OF YOU, MAY YOU SOMEDAY FIND "THE GIFT OF PEACE" IN YOUR LIFE!
MARIE
I RECEIVED THIS LETTER AFTER THE NEWSLETTER WAS TYPED, BUT I WANTED TO INCLUDE IT IN THIS ISSUE WITH THE OTHERS. THANK YOU ERIC.
DEAR MARIE,
THE QUESTION YOU ASKED FOR THE "WIFE LINE" NEWSLETTER I HAVE OFTEN ASKED MYSELF. WHY IS CHRISTMAS JUST ANOTHER DAY? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT SPECIAL FEELING WE HAD SO LONG AGO?
I BELIEVE CHRISTMAS IS AN ATTITUDE, A TIME WHEN YOUR IMAGINATION SHOULD PULL AWAY FROM REALITY, IF ONLY FOR A SHORT TIME. TO FIND THIS SPRIT OF JOY, FUN, GIVING, LOVE, AND PEACE. SPEAKING AS A VIETNAM VET, I THINK FINDING THESE EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN DIFFICULT. WAR CAN DEAL YOU A HARSH DOSE OF REALITY, FAR FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED EMOTIONS.
AS THE YEARS GO BY, I FIND MYSELF GROWING EMOTIONALLY STRONGER, BETTER ABLE TO DEAL WITH MY PAST EXPERIENCES AND TO FIND THESE SURPRESSED FEELINGS. I AM MORE RECEPTIVE NOW THAN IN PRIOR YEARS TO FINDING AND ENJOYING THE SPRIT OF CHRISTMAS. WITH THE POSITIVE SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING OF OTHERS IN OUR LIVES, I THINK WE CAN ALL FIND AND RENEW THIS SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS IN ALL OF US.
JUST AS WE DON'T GIVE UP ON MANY OTHER ISSUES, THIS ATTITUDE IS ONE THAT WE MUST NOT LOOSE HOPE FOR.
PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL
ERIC TYLER
P.S.
WHEN WE START REMEMBERING WE DON'T REFLECT AND ACT ON THE FIRST PART OF OUR LIVES. WHEN THIS PROCESS IS PUT INTO MOTION WAR MEMORIES ARE OVERWHELMINGLY STRONGER AND WE FIND THAT WE TRULY HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMED BY THIS EXPERIENCE.
SUGGESTED AFFIRMATION FOR PEOPLE RECOVERING FROM PTSD
I'M_________________________________AND I'M____________YEARS OLD.
I'M IN A SAFE PLACE IN ___________________________________________(TOWN & STATE).
I'M WITH__________________________________________, AND HE/SHE/THEY CARE FOR ME.
THERE'S NO ONE IN MY LIFE WHO WANTS TO HURT ME.
I CAN CRY AND BE SCARED AND EVERYONE WILL STILL LOVE AND ACCEPT ME.
I NEED TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS SO I CAN LET THEM GO. I MAY FEEL THEM REPEATEDLY, BUT EACH TIME I NEED TO ACCEPT THEM SO I CAN LET THEM GO.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CHANGE THE WORDING IN WHATEVER WAY WORKS FOR YOU. IT CAN HELP TO KEEP A COPY OF THIS WITH YOU FOR THOSE MOMENTS WHEN YOU FEEL OVERWHELMED. REMEMBER: IT IS OKAY TO FEEL BAD. YOU CAN'T HEAL WHAT YOU DON'T FEEL.
COPIED WITH PERMISSION FROM PATIENCE MASON
MY HERO
I MET HIM WHEN I WAS 21. HE WAS 32. HE SEEMED DIFFERENT FROM OTHER MEN. HE WAS VERY QUIET AND NEVER SMILED. HE WORKED ALL DAY AND DRANK ALL NIGHT. I HAD JUST COME OUT OF A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP AND HE DID EVERYTHING HE COULD TO MAKE MY WORLD SAFE. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT THEN, BUT HE NEEDED TO BE NEEDED.
ONE SUMMER DAY WHILE WE WERE TALKING, I NOTICED A TATTOO ON HIS ARM. IT READ U.S.A.F. HE WAS SHOCKED AT MY REACTION. I WAS IMPRESSED! I WANTED TO KNOW EVERYTHING - WHEN HE WAS IN ... WHERE HE HAD BEEN... IF HE WAS A PILOT? HE GOT A STRANGE LOOK ON HIS FACE AND SAID, "I WAS IN VIETNAM." TO HIS SURPRISE - I WAS EVEN MORE IMPRESSED! WOW!...A REAL HERO!
I DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT VIETNAM. I WAS ONLY 12 WHEN HE WAS THERE I REMEMBER WATCHING J.F.K. AND MARTIN LUTHER KING GET SHOT ON TELEVISION IN SCHOOL, BUT I DON'T REMEMBER SEEING ANYTHING ABOUT VIETNAM.
MY SISTER WENT OUT WITH A SAILOR NAMED GLENN AND MARRIED A GUY WHO WAS IN THE ARMY BETWEEN 1968 AND 1970. MY BROTHER GOT HIS DRAFT NOTICE AND THEN JOINED THE NAVY IN 1971, BUT VIETNAM AND WAR WERE WORDS I DIDN'T HEAR AT HOME. I KNEW ABOUT THE DRAFT, BUT DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT, BECAUSE WHY WOULD ANYONE HAVE TO BE MADE TO GO AND DEFEND OUR WAY OF LIFE. IT WAS AN HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO SERVE - I THOUGHT. AT LEAST THAT'S THE WAY I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE.
AFTER THAT DAY HE TOLD ME HE WAS IN NAM, HE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. HE SAID IT WAS A TERRIBLE TIME IN HIS LIFE AND HE JUST WANTED TO FORGET.
WELL, I MARRIED MY HERO AND WE HAVE 3 SONS AND OH, HOW I WISH I COULD SAY WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, BUT I CAN'T. WE HAD ALOT OF TOUGH TIMES. HE WOULD LOSE JOBS AND WE HAD NO MONEY. HE WOULD TAKE OFF FOR DAYS WITH NO PHONE CALLS AND NO EXPLANATIONS. BUT, BY THEN HE WOULD MAKE INFERENCES ABOUT VIETNAM.
I BEGAN READING BOOKS ON THE WAR AND STARTED TO UNDERSTAND... HIS SILENCE ... HIS MOODS ... AND HIS ANGER. I BEGAN ASKING HIM QUESTIONS ABOUT NAM. I NEEDED TO KNOW! I WANTED TO BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING HE COULD TELL ME. I READ EVERYTHING I COULD IN HOPE THAT ANYTHING HE COULD SAY WOULD NOT SHOCK ME. THE MORE I READ - THE MORE I HURT FOR HIM. THE MORE I UNDERSTOOD - THE MORE I LOVED HIM.
THE ANGRIER HE GOT, THE FURTHER HE WITHDREW. THE HARDER I TRIED, THE FURTHER HE'D GO. THIS WAS HIS WAY OF PROTECTING US - FROM VIETNAM AND HIMSELF. HE NEVER HIT ME OR THE BOYS. HE NEVER YELLED OR EVEN DISCUSSED ANYTHING. HE WAS JUST ANGRY ... AND SILENT ... UNTIL THE SILENCE OVERTOOK HIM... AND THE WALLS SURROUNDED HIM, SHUTTING US OUT.
IT TOOK MONTHS IN THE V.A. HOSPITAL AND A YEAR AND A HALF OF US BEING SEPARATED TO BREAK THROUGH THE WALLS.
HE STILL HAS TERRIFYING NIGHTMARES, FLASHBACKS WITHOUT WARNING, AND MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. HE STILL LIVES WITH VIETNAM EVERYDAY AND EVERY NIGHT. HE IS A KIND, LOVING, AND SENSITIVE MAN WHO WALKED THROUGH HELL AND BACK.
OVER THE YEARS HE'S BEEN SPIT ON, CALLED A BABY KILLER, A MURDERER, A DRUNK, AND JUST PLAIN CRAZY. . .
BUT TO ME - HE'LL ALWAYS BE -
MY HERO!
ADELE LAVIGNE
8/21/94
End of December 1994 Issue | Back to Wife Line Table of Contents
